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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2007.04.17  14.50 falling can't say that i've felt this way for a long time. likened to working behind a coffee counter smelling beans wearing red, watching the sea of heads for any number of highschool sweethearts who would come to see me, virgin dunkin donuts worker, free from any scars, just waiting, anticipating who would it be? and now i am still anticipating, but now its just anticipating his face, anticipating his touch and his words, our next interaction. i am taken and its all over. i guess that it is just all over. i can tell that this is a beginning like none i've had in a long time. so easily able to tell scb, yes i am falling for someone else .i am falling for the most obscure choice, the most obvious choice, the choice that leaves me no choice and how will this proceed, i don't know but he pulls me on and he pullls me out, his seduction is complete and wrapping, the few sweet words, just a month, a month of thinking and hoping, a month of wanting and looking, more? can i take any more or will there be a culmination here soon. my legs get hot. my face gets wet. i cannot hold back. i am afraid both ways. i want him to understand this. keep challenging me. keep bringing me flowers. call me when you are walking around, don't stop...don't stop... Music: human behavior

	2007.02.03  16.38 i can honestly say after a brief sampling of journals over the last 5 years i've decided to take them all down by the time i graduate and compile them in hard copy that it is painfully evident i struggle with depression

	2007.02.03  16.16 this is the end no really no no no really i am coming down the homestretch and have just finished my longest homework session this semester=consisting of 3 hours listening to the news while typing one paragraph in french, downloading some articles i should read and cracking my mathbook open. no more no less. i am truly a slacker. i can't really explain it except, i don't feel like doing any work. thank god its the end. thank god for february break. thank allah for spring break. thank buddah for math tutors. laying off the mary jane is so good for my brain. i guess back to the grind but i am oh yes i am no no really i am going to graduate on time. and then what? yoga teacher? vet tech? montessori teacher? join the army? move to kazakistan? make movies? shovel driveways? cater? drop off the face of it? maybe i'll hike it back through the snowy park before the sun goes down and bake something delicious for dinner. yum. that's waht i'll do, and tell msyelf. i'll do some more homework while i'm at it. so many movies i want to see: children of men, volver, notes of a scandal to name a few right now that will be out of theaters shortly. got to get on it, ordered a swim pass from the U so i can visit local pools for free. but that means bathing suit shopping hell. i think i might quit lj at the end of school. it would be appropriate seeing that i started it at the beginning. started slogging through shit and leaving trails on line. oh no.

	2006.12.20  14.20 penultimate finals week reading back over the last few posts: 12 or so. jesus. am i dismal. i am dismal. not today. so today i will post. today the sun is shining although christmas eve creeps up. right now i'm drinking hot homemade chai and eating sugar cookies. i'm wearing mostly blue today and my favorite round labradorite ring. there is a big red pointsetta smiling at me. in my bag is a script i think i will audition for. i have plans to keep myself sane and busy. i am not convincing.

	2006.10.24  15.45 Why do i wander to live journal??? why do i wander here. why is here where i write for now? i have been procrastinating big big big time lately. so big time. is that what being a senior is all about.? shouldn't i take the GRE's and get ramped up? shouldn't i care about my GPA? but i don't. and lately, i've just been slacking. in one respect it feels awesome. going out with friends when i'm supposed to be

	2006.08.22  13.30 he got a job offer in long beach california and invited me to go with him in 4 weeks my dad says that he thinks my boyfriend pulls out his wallet when he wants to keep me close to him should i feel shallow i know its true but i can't help myself when i think about the stinking economy in maine no money my dead end major no money my dead end school system suddenly, after the invite i feel like all i can do is look around and be unhappy unhappy with work unhappy with school unhappy with job unhappy it was a painful ripping off of the covers. making me want to leave my life. to be so close to getting my degree and all of a sudden feel pain pain and realization pain pain knowing that i have been coasting along. knowing that last year my desire was dead and i knew that i was in the wrong field but i plunged forward halfheartedly plunged. stupid old professors disenchanted plugging plunging faking forgetting obfiscating running away from looking at the fact that this is not a good fit anymore steph and usm i tell matt to leave and then i stay and hate it stay. talking to my pops he tells me 'why don't you move to california on your own terms. maybe you decide that you want to move to the west coast..on your own' i think, it sounds silly. but then part of me thinks that might just work out. freedom to think of myself outside of the settling terms. i will settle for a state school. i will settle for in state tuition. i will settle for the degree where i have racked up the most credits. thinking that is what i'm good for. that is good enough for me. now realizing. i want more. i am unhappy. it would be so easy i think. to go with him. easy how though? easy how? hard how? hard emotionally. hard mentally. easy physically. easy financially.

	2006.07.18  22.05 so we made love. as soon as i said i was thinking about it, his hand was on my ass regardless of whatever regardless and then it began, the shit and the fan where the crux was "even your dad says you're manipulative" and i told him that i wouldn't hold his immaturity against him but its information. and i was genuinely surprised. while i left the window open the cat walked out on the ledge four stories up the neighbor knocked on my door because he was startled by the displaced visitor. good for him. the cat. and then i try to talk and he crys and asks me to move to california with him which i once thought was romantic and asks me to go away with him this weekend and then crys "so should i ask for the time off??" "no" i don't understand you you don't understand you its too hard its over its too hard not to be over or forever. why am i complaining?? not like i haven't merely thought about moving on but i am not ready to let go is that selfish? if the other person is hurting?? i don't understand him our understanding is suffering what planet? what freaking planet?? the repeat here is unbelieveable. the crying the lack of talking or really swapping information communication the different pages the talk again of irrational ideas the focus on the future and the kid and the house and how that picture being disrupted has disrupted it all. i'm hot. i need ac. and a beer and someone to make me come.

	2006.07.11  19.58 so i feel like i need to write today. i am sitting in the back of the pavillion auditorium in the oob listening to my dad do his routine for 400 plus people. i have a massive headache and am sipping on cold starbucks coffee. i am so glad that they have internet here, i wish i could find an advil the size of my head to chew on. today after the crying last night, after the crying this morning after all of the crying and cajoling, i slipped over to my forver home at 91 pine st. and put my engagement ring into the tequila box that holds his incense. then i called him for a lunch date. more crying. more hugging. he came to my house to get his video camera and digital camera and then asked for it back. it was already back there there have it back. it felt good to give it back. to not have it. to not have it to take off and put back on and twirl it. i don't know. i do not know. but i know that its intermission. what a headache. what a heartache. i hurt.

	2006.06.20  11.40 i am here to confess i am functioning at a very very low level. low level of motivation. low level of mental sharpness. l low level of prioritizing. low level. i sit here . on campus. and between jobs. go to class. i sit in class, between jobs and stare. i sit in jobs and stare between coming here and going home. i sit at home. i sit and stare. maybe its the fact that i've been in school for ten months straight. right through january break and cruising on into the summer. my last astronomy test is tomorrow. my last lab is friday and then only one math test left. still i feel weak. like i'm barely hanging in there. i have zero idea how i'm doing in classes, pretty sure my performance here just sucks ass. i don't know how to defunkify my life. i need to be more active that's for sure. i need to make a plan to get out of debt and get a job. these are my ideas. i need to make a plan.

	2006.06.01  11.39 "the way out is the way through" "you are alot smarter than you think you are" x2 " i would like you to think your relationship to writing "

	2006.05.24  10.01 TIME TO EXPLAIN MY RASH DECISION TO MYSELF: I rented an apartment because I am moving out on my boyfriend because it is not an arbitrary decision it is not about one thing alone. i did it because I want to explore my potential as an academic, like i did my first semester of school. full application, dedication- for my final year of school, also considering the video program at smtc, or another training setup to get a job in computer/design/video. I want to be marketable in the field by next year. I want to know that I am not with Seth because I cannot pay my way. This is a place where he cautions me that i am being proud and stubborn and that there will be plenty of places for me to "prove" myself and "carry" the load with him. I think that this is true, but also feel like this is something that I need to do to believe in myself. I want to know that I am not being monogamous with him simply because we are together, living together. I want to have my own freedom and still choose to be with him, if that is going to be the choice. It feels unsafe, I feel like its dangerous to leave, like I might bring other lovers home, but if i feel that danger then that's an honest question. I need more space. Even if I wanted to live with him, there is no way that I can really comfortably have the space that I need to create and work in that apartment. my room is the fucking living room. there is a closet in it, junky and it is a walkthrough room. it is just fucking crazy that he spent 4,000 dollars on furniture yesterday. a new bed, a new mattress, a new leather couch. he's dealing fine. it just made me feel a little weird, like. what? if i had 4,000 dollars to spend i would buy such different stuff, a big fat plane ticket, a big fat camera... so strange. it made me feel further from him. like who are you? my partner? but he's happy. weird. the house will look totally different. I want to be more productive. to have art as a product of my time. this is just not happening right now. pot smoking, tv watching, in each other's faces, not happening. i want to do it. i want to make it happen for me. i am not blind in thinking that it is his influence that is keeping me from producing, but i think that to make the change for me, having seperate home environments would be great. i am idealistic. what do i see? in my mind. i see my place. funky. weird. mismatched. mostly empty. all mine. i see mornings where i eat oatmeal. i see definite less spending on food, better eating. i see walking alot, maybe buying a bike, but more footwork. i see more computer time, more creative time, more reading time (i hope to hell there is wireless there) i hear music playing i see my new cat keeping me company. i see a period of adjustment and uncertainty, probably loneliness. i do see necessary. jesus.

	2006.05.08  14.08 so the thesis is tonight. and i'm freaking out. smoking ciggarettes. its really great that everyone says its going to be fine and all but i'm about to shit my pants. i shouldn't have had so much coffee. i just wish i had schedueled it for an earlier time because fuck man. 7pm is a long way off. argh. the movie is done at least and with a short little monologue at the front everything should make sense at least. i wish i knew that this was it. that it was over after this because all of these sustained projects are just driving me crazy. maybe i'll pull out the cards and give them a twirl around. that will help me know what to expect. meanwhile, i can't get warm after the bike ride last night and i have a crick in my back. just want to dissapear. this is what happens when i'm called upon. argh. so ready for summer already and this week is it. classes starting next monday. with a five page french paper to write for friday i just can't relax. fuck me.

	2006.05.01  08.58 so this is how it goes for me. we have been fighting the fighting continues and then wanes then we are friends with less and less overt romanticism but friends sometimes and more comfortable with that. i told him that in bed last night that i have never been this far in a relationship to this still friends and adjusting levels of sexiness and romance. it scares me to think about buying a house together when i think of us as a romantic couple but when i think of the situation as we are buying a house together as friends, who desire a mutual project and will support each other in order to make this investment work i feel so much more free and at ease, to love him or let whatever happen. so i signed a purchase agreement today. not a big big deal. i mean, we haven't been accepted, we haven't gotten the estimates, we haven't got a lender but i did sign a purchase agreement and they have 24 hours to respond and we both really want the house it seems so right i couldln't sleep last night until 3:00 because of the turmoil, the going back and forth he said that he didn't mean some of the things he said last night that we didn't complement each other that maybe he wasn't right for anyone ever and he said that he really loves me and knows that it is right i have reconciled at least this much. i am not ready to break up with him. and I feel the stint of falling away coming to an end. we were laying there in bed and he remembered that he actually had a dream yesterday morning (which i remember him telling me) that we were going to buy, and he was saying to the agent (for the condo in saco) that it needed some repairs but we were interested. and then yesterday, had this strange dreamlike quality to it, where he was leaving for the beach--i was in the car for a coffee run and we just decided to go together not so weird and then both of us just said lets just stop by the open house and next thing you know all of my emotions about i don't want to buy a condo in saco, i want to live alone, i don't want to commit to a big purchase with you were just quieted. i think alot of it is the investment potential for this property. even he said..worst case scenario. we don't work and flip it in 5 months. he said. so i am approaching this with a business view. my friend jessica is a kick ass chick and she has bought 2 houses with x boyfriends. ?? i need to come up with my part of the financing. $$ platnium plus.

	2006.04.27  08.50 two tests today and last night, getting out of my car in the sun with cellphone to ear inviting a girlfriend over she's got a bottle of wine drinking, reading tarot two other boys a joint next thing you know its 9 pm and i'm eating sourpatch kids smoking cloves and crusing downtown to the local poolhall where we play she drops me off getting out of her car with cellphone to ear inviting a boyfriend over he's got a bowl smoking, watching movies catching up next thing you know its 9 am in a coffee shop and i am checking out the barista my boyfriend notices and gives me a funny look i give him one back i pay we're outside i go to kiss him he's acting funny i give him a funny look some kind of small funny noise comes out of his mouth he waves, i turn a girl from upstairs that he has a crush on walking down the street with her jackie-O glasses i want to barf there is a kiss. i go.

	2006.04.26  13.57 cynic coffee Originally uploaded by stephanieleesample. now does this really work? i'm cynical

	2006.03.10  11.02 what is it. i just want to be able to write. i want to be able to write like simone forti where she has this clear and kind voice and accurately effortlessly brings you to where she is and shows you what she is doing. i am nervous about the writing portion of my thesis because i feel like it won't be analytical enough. and it probably wont, but showing my video to pat and leslie last night made me feel like i want to go back, like i should go back. like i want to burn a dvd and then send it to alex and bring it into wmpg and just get on it. and look at surf again. but it is hard to motivate for this project. so many other things going on. and talking to otto he asks, what do i want to do if i don't want to do french and really all i can say is i think i want to have a career in the arts. then i feel lame. and like a million other people who want to have a job in the arts. i'm really happy for seth. i am so glad that he's got great job offers on the table, but i feel lame. like i make no money. i just need to stop comparing us, and do my own thing. but having separate offices. so fucking nice. so so so fucking nice. really key. i like that. it was his idea. so nice.

	2006.03.09  12.25 i hate not being perfect. hate it. argh. i had a dream that i was given a cat named yesterday with red eyes from a guy whose last name was yesterday in a men's store where i was looking for a belt or shoes for seth and men in boxers were all around me i bought a bike for myself a white one, funky, beach cruiser but when i took it out of the store it was the size of a keychain dangle and the price was written on it with marker right on the bike i came into mpg thinking about yesterday and there was this piece of paper on the front desk that read TOMORROW in all caps in other news, why am i so freaking scared to write for the phoenix at least i'm not working at diahree-rahh anymore.

	2006.02.13  20.21 i gulp am going to buy a desktop thats it an imac i'm breaking down i'm sick of my boyfriend having all of the cool toys next on the list: a new digital camera a laptop stand oh yeah called desislava today to check prices back to serbia tore my hands to hell waiting for the reply that never came came home meaning to do algebra and everything and just worked on the video for hours..about 4 editing. so much fun i am having so much fun...doing shit like this...that i always wanted to do and envied people making their own videos yay! and im making mine weeee

	2006.02.08  15.45 i didn't i didn't even i didn't even try i didn't even try last night i didn't even try last night to fall asleep i didn't even try last night to fall asleep without a tylenol pm i am so fucking hardcore with my anxiety i have to take drugs . yeah. *** seth and i talked a little this morning, i'm glad we did. it was miserable last night. i went tanning today. standing up with winkies over my eyes boogieing down in a standup booth ** i think i'll go to the gym today. i'm trying to work on my mood. my moody moody moods. at least i've been going to class. * out

	2006.02.07  23.07 i don't know what my problem is. maybe i just don't want to grow up or something. maybe i have too much on my plate. maybe i didn't even know i had a plate until just recently. what am i saying? something about this whole trip has really knocked me loose into a feeling of 'this is my life' it is happening now and things will go for me, they will go right for me, i have potential to suceed and to execute my ideas. i got so excited thinking about being back in zrenjanin for a month. working with the kids to create another performance, draping the bridge or making a stage or something. working hard, learning more, knowing better how to organize the time. but then i ask balliett to go with me. is this a good idea? would it cramp things up between us? i think it could only make things better. then why am i having such a tough time. he mentioned that i'm not working at the ra anymore and that was a great deal of physical activity. i think that he's right on. i mean, i feel like a lump. i need to tan and start running, something to get the blood moving more than it is, because it causes other things to stagnate as well. i couldn't bring myself to go to mpg tonight. too tired, to full, to ready to be home and relax, but that is increasingly hard to do. last night still, looking at the clock that reads 7am and i'm wide awake. slept until 12:30. i don't know why i can' t sleep lately. encouraging meeting with dusan and kaitlin. felt a little worry about telling alex about the grant that i'm going for. he might go for it too. the last thing i need with him is competition, and i hope that he doesn't feel that way. * * * alot of what i write is kind of talking to myself. i write about how i can do things better, what i want to change, how i will modify, process my thoughts. sometimes it feels like i keep avoiding the real topic. the real topic the real topic the real topic what is the real topic here .

	2006.01.19  17.07 last night i got engaged for real

	2006.01.12  23.19 i am in serbia at irmas computer it is cold here but there are no bomb holes in zrejnanin and you pronounce it zrenyanin the people are great they love to eat more than italians i am working with ten students they have learned some modern dance and are executing it with bravery confidence and skill i am proud of them of myself i am learning i am much less scared than i was 2 weeks ago i am in serbia and i am sad to be leaving tuesday morning

	2005.12.30  14.05 i didn't get proposed to. he mentioned about 5 times that he couldn't afford the ring i wanted. doesn't he know that if he asks me what i like, i WILL pick out a 7,000 dollar ring because that is what i like. but not at all what i need. i don't need it. i don't need it at all. so thats past for now- i think i scared him off. its been weird waiting to leave. serbia on jan 2 waiting. waiting. will i bus to the airport? probably did i find myself in walmart today trying on bras in the dressing room going what the fuck? yes,. am i out of it? pretty much. now to triple A for travelers checks and changed currency. yehaw

	2005.12.12  14.31 i work with opposition it helps me motivate i have to be careful who and what i cast as bad or opposite or against me or my goal any other goal is not my opposition just certain activities obstruct obscure my goal obscure it.

	2005.12.12  14.25 focus focus focus focus it is so close i can taste it so close so close have to stop letting people get under my skin and just do my own thing do my own thing let them go to the bar let them get riled up about arbitrary rules in the university let them worry about dress and coordination i have to focus and do my own thing and that means reading and taking notes on Denzin's Performative Ethnography i was provoked the other day when kaitlin said that it was a textbook for the profs in the program some seminar they had, she said it was jam packed and to wade slowly well i want to begin to wade focus means getting some paper and sketching movement ideas calling louis and getting ahold of his improv stuff focus means blocking time out at the library focus means appeasing lucia without driving myself crazy doing my own thing doing it all day on tuesday all day on wednesday all day on thursday and friday and every day that i can every day that is not prescribed going for what i want this is me psyching myself up this is me wanting it all tired wanting to make the most of it all taking the last few days as relaxation and instead of going to far away from the work finding my relaxation inside responsibility relaxing with ideas and graphics and creativity not pot not alcohol not food not mundane not habits not still but letting the churning come let it build let the process move i am going to buy a notebook at the bookstore somethings never change